#14 耳机 earphone

Earphones may be just an equipment to you, but it can be my saviour.

One of the most important element for me, undoubtedly is the "quiet" moment.

For someone who is introvert like me, we recharge our energy not by talking to people around us, but rather find a quiet place, spend time alone there doing whatever activities which we are comfortable with.

For me, as I am not really comfortable socializing with others, I have a lot of thinking in my head spinning all the time. Sometimes, you might see that I'm doing nothing, staring at a blank space for few minutes, most of the time I'm conversing with myself in my head, while sometimes I'm really just thinking of nothing and enjoying the peaceful thoughts.

However, in my family, it felt like most of them did not understand and comprehend the "quiet" moment that I need. I did not have a bedroom for myself, and my bedroom does not have a proper study table or chair to use. Hence, my daily activities are done in living room. I felt that I was constantly interrupted and being spied on every action I made, even though they did not really care what I'm doing.

There's really no use talking about it to them, because they will just find the excuses to counter my argument, sometimes it just felt that they say whatever just to win, which doesn't help at all.

In these desperate times, the most near "quiet" moment I have are the times when I put on my earphone. Play some music or songs I like, or even put on earphone for the sake of noise reduction, at that instance it can make me feel more peace, focus, or even energized. Sometimes it can also let me contact with inner self, with some deep thoughts and reflects on life.

Oh how I missed the times at university, where I have my own room, able to do whatever I want.

#13 负担

喜欢一个人很正常，看见她会有莫名的喜悦感，看见她可以让你一整天都有活力，有斗志。

可是，如果喜欢一个人，就不顾一切去告白，让她知道了，但她不喜欢你，这会否带来不便的负担给她呢？本来大家是朋友，但如果这么做了，可能连深一步了解的机会也没了。

所以，喜欢一个人没有错。但是否不顾她的感受，就跟着自己想做的去做了，是不是自私了一点？是否喜欢一个人，就是要在乎她，多过于自己？是不是一天过着一天，看着你，就够了？这样的日子，因该也不多了。

#12 Harsh Truth

Expectation kills.

The expectation I meant here is the expectation I put for myself.

In my mind, I picture a perfect guy with the perfect life. Surrounded by friends, a leader, positive attitude, a mentor, able to communicate effectively, financially stable, a guy who enjoy his time.

I want to be that guy. So what's stopping me?

Ughh, it seems that many of those qualities I do not possess now.

I bought 3 books from Borders, courtesy of voucher from gov. 1 on motivation, 1 on managing, and 1 on leadership. I liked reading on the leadership book, written by John C. Maxwell, combination of 3 books into 1, titled "Ultimate Leadership".

Reading that book is interesting, but it also constantly reminded that I am a worse at being a good leader, and the memories of my previous years did not help. Let me give you some of the quotes I read in the book:

"He who thinks he leads, but has no followers, is only taking a walk."

"Being in power is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. "

The book also says something that leadership depends on the trust of the followers. When you start at a position, you have a certain amount of "coins" in the pocket, and each success you made put coins inside while failure takes the coins out. By the time you out of coin in the pocket, you are out as a leader too.

Another thing that bothers me is that it was so hard for me to mingle with some group of people. I don't know why, is it the topic they were discussing? Their personality? Or it was me?

I know I can be inert sometime, and I consider myself as introverts. But is this really the situation? Is this the answer to the isolation of mingling? Or should I change myself to be a more proactive person, talk to people even when I don't feel like to? Put on the smile on my face when I'm not really in the mood of smiling? Do all of these just to maintain the relationship power at my network?

I guess it all comes down to what type of person I want to be. And based on what I've written up there, to be the guy with the perfect life, it will be so difficult for me, and a very long work to progress. I wish that I had all the answers, the answers to jobs, answers to life, answers to financial, but life is usually works where you have to find it the hard way.

#11 Love

"Am I gettting fat?"
Baby, you look just as stunning as the moment I first saw you, the moment you stole my heart.

"Do you love me?"
I love you, and I will love you more each and every day.

 "Which one is prettier? Me or your ex-girlfriend?"
Baby I love you, and the girl I love is the most beautiful girl in my life.

"Will you still love me when I'm old?"
I will love you until the day when the sun rises from the west.

"Did you miss me?"
I miss your eyes, your smile, your hair, your smell, the way you look at me, the moment I hold you tight. I miss you.

"Will you ever get tired of me?"
How can I ever get tired of you making me laugh, constantly lighten up my world? You had entered my life so much that it wouldn't be the same without you.

"Will you leave me for someone better than me?"
That person doesn't exist because you are the person who knows me the best.

#10 Rival, best friend

Do you have this best friend, which hangs out with you, but you are always competing with? He may not be competing with you, but you think that he is just around your level that you can “win” him just a little bit?

This is a story about my friend from my hometown. I use “story” because it may not be true at all, but a little inspiration of mine pushes me to write this.

At primary school, we were normal friends. We hang out, we have fun, I have my best friend, he has his best friend. He seem to be quite popular.

At secondary school, we were assign to the same class. That’s how we become best friends. Back in the day in form one, we didn’t have anyone we know, so we stick together. We join the same club and society, we play the same online games. It was good times.

Then, I start to notice some differences. We were both a member of Boys’ Brigade, and we need to learn a music instrument. We both take up the same music instrument, but I learn faster than him. One day, our instructor scolded us because our progress is too slow, but I didn’t feel much guilty because I think the instructor wasn’t scolding me as I already learnt the part required. He ended up crying, it was the first time I saw him cry. Later the next year, he quits and join other society.

At academic studies, my result was always better than him, plus his personality somehow makes him a target to be mocked. Secondary school was brutal, students bully the weak, even teachers sometimes bully the weak. He sometimes was “attacked” by others, I sometimes feel sorry for him. But we would never lied to each other, we remain honest and treat each other truthfully.

At sports and computer games, he definitely did better than me. He run faster, he runs longer, he jumps far, he play sports, and he spends time longer to play online games. One sport that I know and he doesn’t is swim, but he is also learning it now.

Back in the day, I was naïve. My definition of winning was be better at academic, and this make me seems like a winner. Then, it all changes when I entered university.

When I entered university, I studied in Selangor, but he remains at Melaka. We still hang out one in a while when I back Melaka. As we spend time at different places, our interaction gets less by the day. But one day what he said really touches me, he said I was his best friend. This makes me feels guilty, as I didn’t think that I deserved to be his best friend as I keep neglecting him. Then, my academic results in university getting worst by the day, he seems to be catching up on his results. He has his own group of friends, and he could earn money using online games.

What about me? Sucks. Sucks at academic results, sucks at managing a club, sucks at managing myself, sucks at earning money, and still kind of sucks at sports. My definition of winning is not just about academic anymore, it changes to how well you manage your life, and he was definitely wining me.

His birthday just passed, and I will never forget this rival/best friend of mine. It reminded me that life is not about competing with others, but competing with your own values and beliefs. Only when you achieve something which validates your value and your beliefs, you can be a winner. 

#9 Watch out!!

Old habits die hard.

It feels like I'm getting lazier again, unmotivated, procrastinating. Damn it.

However, like they say, we faces challenges or "temporary defeat" just before we succeed. It's time to get back in motion!

The book "The monk who sold his Ferrari" written that in order to make something a habit, you must do the same activity for 21 days at the same time. Actually I do like to put it to test, maybe today will be the first of the 21 days.

Aside from that, I found that its nice to read motivational book when I'm boring. Sometimes it gives me the energy I needed for a paradigm shift. At least better than facing laptop and doing nothing.

Its time to end the day, and tomorrow will be a better one!

#8 Fearless

Pure Wisdom: The simple things that transform everyday life 
by Dean Cunningham 

Chapter 9: Fearless

Fear has an acrostic: False Evidence Appearing Real. Its often quoted to help people banish their imaginary fears. Clever and creative in its construction, it is often misunderstood in its application. Let me explain.

Essentially, there are two kinds of fear. One kind is the feeling we get when we're about to be run over by a car when crossing the road. It's the kind of fear that shout: run, dodge, dive or get out of the way. Clearly there's nothing imaginary about that, and no need for the acrostic.

The other kind of fear is in our heads. It's the thoughts we hold about what might happen in the future, based on our imaginary or experience in the past. This is the type of fear the acrostic is aimed at.

The trouble is, people often interpret the acrostic this way: if the fear is not an immediate physical threat, it's not real. But I disagree. Fear's function is to stop you from getting hurt. It warns you of danger whether it's a few months away, just around the corner or in your face. For instance, if I'm going to fight in a karate tournament next week and I know I've got holes in my defence, of course I'm going to be afraid. Especially when the symmetry of my nose is at stake. In fact, I'd probably pull out of the competition or work on my blocking skills. Fear of the future is helpful, healthy even. It motivates you to take action. 

You see, fear isn't the problem; it's the thought behind the fear. For example: if each time you took a lift you worried about it getting stuck, even when you had no evidence to prove it would, that would be unhealthy. Just a minute: I take that back. It may be healthy if you ended up taking the stairs. But it would be impractical if you had 30 floors to climb.

On a serious note, be very clear, we're not talking about being fearless here. The point is: we need to uncover the thought behind the fear, and then evaluate the evidence. If the evidence is false, then so is the fear.

We don't need to be fearless. We just need to fear less. 

There's more. We sometimes fear the unknown, or imagine things will be worse than they turn out to be. But, again, this doesn't mean we should be fearless. The right amount of fear is a good thing. It gets you moving. It invites you to choose differently. It might even get you up a flight of stairs. But when fear is taken out of the moment, held onto with a tight grip, that's when fear becomes a problem. It loses its motivational impact. It keeps you stuck rather than safe. 

By now I guess you're saying:' This chapter isn't about being fearless'. And you're right. It's not. Fear is such a powerful emotion that trying to get rid of it would be a waste of time. Even a clever acrostic, like the one above, wouldn't be much will be. And don't care to be. In fact karate teaches: we don't need to be fearless. We just need to be fear less. 

How? Listen to the fear. Learn the lesson. Take appropriate action. Then let go and move on. 

#7 Life vs Pool Billiards

For those who do not know what is pool billiards, its something like snooker, but with less number of balls and much bigger in size, with different rules as snooker. It looks like this.

I first played pool when I was in secondary school, around Form 4 or 5, and it turns out that I actually like playing it. 

Then, I was studying in UNMC, they actually have pool tables for students to play for free! Back in the day I played for most of my free time, and my skills improved from time to time. 

So how does life have to do with playing pool? 

For pros who play pool, they not just aiming to shoot the ball into the pocket, but they adjust the power and the direction of the cue ball (white ball) so that it not just enters the ball, but roll it to the place they desire for it to stop at a perfect position for aiming the next ball. Its call "positioning". 

In life, we have to constantly make decisions. But sometimes, making decision is difficult for me. I tend to over-thinking and making the problem way bigger than it used to be, and it demotivates me. Hence the procrastination starts, and the problem gets way bigger in result. 

However, today during my lunch, it struck me that playing pool can actually relate to life. I play pool with the intention of positioning, and sometimes it makes me missed my shots. Same as life, there's no use if you make a lot of plans, or plan many things ahead, but you missed the first step/did not take the first step. Sometimes we should tackle one problem at a time, entering balls one by one, solving crisis one by one. So what if the problem doesn't get perfectly solved at one decision? We just have to tackle it few more times, at least it is progressing, and the problems will eventually solved. And for my opinion, most problems don't get solve through one decision making process. 

In pool, you can say that winning the game required "luck", because anything can happen during the game. Your opponent may have enters more balls then you, the table may have five or six of your balls but the last for left for you opponent, it seems hopeless for you to win. However, many times I had faced this situation, and I still win at the end. Why? Because I'm lucky? Maybe, but more frequently it was because they tend to get nervous at the last ball, making them to miss their shots. This gives me the opportunity and chances for me to win, provided that I have a good performance. 

At life, sometimes a situation can be seen as hopeless as it gets, but as the saying goes, "the day is the darkest before the sun comes up". Frequently, before success there will be a "temporary defeat" situation, where something will knock you down, usually people will give up at this stage, but they did not know that success is just around the corner, waiting for them if they did not give up. Just like playing pool, you will never know who will win at the end, opportunity will arise to those who did not give up, and those who stick up to challenges will win. 

As a closing, I would like to share one of the guidelines for confidence from a self-improvement book I read, and it says: 

Don't Strive for Perfection, Aim for Excellence

#6 Feels good

Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

I don't know why, but I'm feeling good these days. Is it because of my FYP? I finally has some grasp on my topic, have a rough idea on my final output. Besides, my supervisor also din't give me a lot pressures, probably because she knows there isn't much time left and did not expect me to do perform a very high standard project outcome. This actually motivates me to continue doing the work, because it gives me a kind of freedom to perform on my standard.

However, I'm very clear that I should continue the effort each and everyday, remind myself that it wasn't ME who I will be disappoint when I failed, but rather those who believe in me and put their faith in me.

My father, who always brag about me getting scholarships and studying masters in engineering at Nottingham. Every time when I leave my home to go back uni, he will tell me to study hard. I know university results doesn't get improved by just study hard, but it is clear to my heart that he said it because there is no other advice he could give me, as he did not go through the road I'm taking right now.

My mother, who worries a lot, which I think sometimes too much. I'm not a person which communicate very well with parents, so I talk real less when I'm at home, and I think it causes my mom some worries about me. BUT, I frequently put up my "confidence" look at my home, so that they can feel that I will be okay, and they should not be worried about me.

My sisters, who I talked more compared to my parents, who sometimes ask for advice at career aspects and working life. Thanks for their faith and believe in me, which sometimes challenges my thoughts, and provide me some new insight on life.

My friends, who keep me as their friend, who share their worries, insight, suggestions, jokes, teasing, hanging out together, all the activities which we enjoyed together.

There's not much time left in living as a university student, and I feel that its getting better as days goes by.

And I'm feeling Good.

#5 Random post

Lately, it has come to my attention that I had obtained a strange behavior compared to previous me. 

I can't talk smooth anymore. 

Previous days, I can bullshit my way out of a lot of things, my theories, heck, I can even give a presentation without much of "information" available to me without panic. 

Now, sometimes I have an idea in my head, I know what I want to say, but the words get stuck in my mouth. When it does come out, it looks like I have stutter, sometimes I also speaking and out of breath at the same time. 

I don't know why I've become like this, is this about confidence? Or is this about practices? This is definitely not about language because I've been speaking Mandarin for my whole life yet it still happens. 

My hypothesis is that this behavior happened due to the above 2 aspects, confidence and practices. Since this academic year starts, I knew it won't be the same as previous years already. 

First, I got a single room. I've been share room with my friend Tony for 3 years since Year 1. From all the years I've share room with him, I've been enjoying his accompany as my best friend and also my learning partner. 

Second, many of my "crazy" friends had graduated. This means that there will be less interaction for me to have fun and be crazy with. 

Third, my ex-gf is coming back from UK exchange. I will be facing her whole year long. 

Forth, its my final year, and also having final year projects which needs to done individually. 

So how does confidence and practices make sense with what I've written up there? 

For confidence part, some things reminded me that I had screw up a lot in my life, and now that my FYP is not really a successful one, it kinda stress me out, hence the rock bottom of my confidence. Funny thing, I used to like flirting/talking with girls, now I just not that interest into it. Maybe its because I've told myself that I don't want to focus on relationship stuff and just go through my final year peacefully. 

For practices, since I've been having less interactions with friends, I get less practices on my bullshit talks. I don't have my bullshit friend already, nobody wants to accept my bullshit, damn its boring. Now I just usually sit at my own room waiting time to pass by, or just doing some meaningless short-term activities which brings "happiness" such as watching drama, playing tetris, etc. 

Now with just 2 months left in my studies, so far my final year has been quite suck. Hopefully the remaining time will change. 

BTW, I've now know what happened when I'm drunk. I've been drunk twice this year, LOL. When I'm drunk, my conscious level seems to wear out. From a usual quiet guy but saying a lot of things in head into ACTUALLY saying what's in my head out loud. Its like the filter in my head is dysfunctional. On the bright side, I can still control most of myself when I'm drunk, like how I react. One time we were playing card games, I actually said out how many points of the cards I'm holding... =.= Not sure does anyone notice it or not. 

#4 Pen is mightier than the sword

Pen is mightier than the sword,
meaning words sometimes can be hurtful than a real weapon.

I agree to this statement.

The word here does not limit to the words you write or type, it also represents the communication in verbally. Sometimes we speak of some hurtful things unintentionally, I know that; and it doesn't make the listener feels any better, it feel sucks, although the listener knows it was spoken unintentionally.

However, the whole world doesn't exist to please us, not every person will be seeing eye to eye with us, know what we're thinking. If we care about other people's opinion and comments too much, we won't be progressing anywhere because frankly, there are just too many people like to spit negative things to us.
It's not easy to ignore what we've listen, but I guess it will be better with practices.

I'm covering my ears like a kid,
When your word means nothing I go "La la la"

#3 Future

For the first time in my life, I wish that i was graduated from university now.

This surprises me, as I used to thought that student life is fun. I guess it was because I heard from a lot of people saying how stressful their working life, and to cherish their time in schools and university.

Now, i kinda hate my fyp, i have no passion on it, and i keep on procrastinate until that my progress is too slow. To be honest I really wish I could pass my fyp, there is nothing could top that wish, really.

BUT, in order to do that, i have no other choice but to just do it, DO IT!!!

BTW, few days ago i started written some of the things i want to do after i graduated. Here are some of the things I want to try:

1. Go to Gym for at least half year
2. Learn Swimming
3. Bungee jumping
4. Learn flying
5. Learn diving
6. Sky diving
7. Learn a music instrument
8. Be a mentor

They say if you start writing a list of things you want to do, you will start doing it, so lets see if that saying is true or not, im looking forward to it... =D