#8 Fearless

Pure Wisdom: The simple things that transform everyday life 
by Dean Cunningham 

Chapter 9: Fearless

Fear has an acrostic: False Evidence Appearing Real. Its often quoted to help people banish their imaginary fears. Clever and creative in its construction, it is often misunderstood in its application. Let me explain.

Essentially, there are two kinds of fear. One kind is the feeling we get when we're about to be run over by a car when crossing the road. It's the kind of fear that shout: run, dodge, dive or get out of the way. Clearly there's nothing imaginary about that, and no need for the acrostic.

The other kind of fear is in our heads. It's the thoughts we hold about what might happen in the future, based on our imaginary or experience in the past. This is the type of fear the acrostic is aimed at.

The trouble is, people often interpret the acrostic this way: if the fear is not an immediate physical threat, it's not real. But I disagree. Fear's function is to stop you from getting hurt. It warns you of danger whether it's a few months away, just around the corner or in your face. For instance, if I'm going to fight in a karate tournament next week and I know I've got holes in my defence, of course I'm going to be afraid. Especially when the symmetry of my nose is at stake. In fact, I'd probably pull out of the competition or work on my blocking skills. Fear of the future is helpful, healthy even. It motivates you to take action. 

You see, fear isn't the problem; it's the thought behind the fear. For example: if each time you took a lift you worried about it getting stuck, even when you had no evidence to prove it would, that would be unhealthy. Just a minute: I take that back. It may be healthy if you ended up taking the stairs. But it would be impractical if you had 30 floors to climb.

On a serious note, be very clear, we're not talking about being fearless here. The point is: we need to uncover the thought behind the fear, and then evaluate the evidence. If the evidence is false, then so is the fear.

We don't need to be fearless. We just need to fear less. 

There's more. We sometimes fear the unknown, or imagine things will be worse than they turn out to be. But, again, this doesn't mean we should be fearless. The right amount of fear is a good thing. It gets you moving. It invites you to choose differently. It might even get you up a flight of stairs. But when fear is taken out of the moment, held onto with a tight grip, that's when fear becomes a problem. It loses its motivational impact. It keeps you stuck rather than safe. 

By now I guess you're saying:' This chapter isn't about being fearless'. And you're right. It's not. Fear is such a powerful emotion that trying to get rid of it would be a waste of time. Even a clever acrostic, like the one above, wouldn't be much will be. And don't care to be. In fact karate teaches: we don't need to be fearless. We just need to be fear less. 

How? Listen to the fear. Learn the lesson. Take appropriate action. Then let go and move on. 

#7 Life vs Pool Billiards

For those who do not know what is pool billiards, its something like snooker, but with less number of balls and much bigger in size, with different rules as snooker. It looks like this.

I first played pool when I was in secondary school, around Form 4 or 5, and it turns out that I actually like playing it. 

Then, I was studying in UNMC, they actually have pool tables for students to play for free! Back in the day I played for most of my free time, and my skills improved from time to time. 

So how does life have to do with playing pool? 

For pros who play pool, they not just aiming to shoot the ball into the pocket, but they adjust the power and the direction of the cue ball (white ball) so that it not just enters the ball, but roll it to the place they desire for it to stop at a perfect position for aiming the next ball. Its call "positioning". 

In life, we have to constantly make decisions. But sometimes, making decision is difficult for me. I tend to over-thinking and making the problem way bigger than it used to be, and it demotivates me. Hence the procrastination starts, and the problem gets way bigger in result. 

However, today during my lunch, it struck me that playing pool can actually relate to life. I play pool with the intention of positioning, and sometimes it makes me missed my shots. Same as life, there's no use if you make a lot of plans, or plan many things ahead, but you missed the first step/did not take the first step. Sometimes we should tackle one problem at a time, entering balls one by one, solving crisis one by one. So what if the problem doesn't get perfectly solved at one decision? We just have to tackle it few more times, at least it is progressing, and the problems will eventually solved. And for my opinion, most problems don't get solve through one decision making process. 

In pool, you can say that winning the game required "luck", because anything can happen during the game. Your opponent may have enters more balls then you, the table may have five or six of your balls but the last for left for you opponent, it seems hopeless for you to win. However, many times I had faced this situation, and I still win at the end. Why? Because I'm lucky? Maybe, but more frequently it was because they tend to get nervous at the last ball, making them to miss their shots. This gives me the opportunity and chances for me to win, provided that I have a good performance. 

At life, sometimes a situation can be seen as hopeless as it gets, but as the saying goes, "the day is the darkest before the sun comes up". Frequently, before success there will be a "temporary defeat" situation, where something will knock you down, usually people will give up at this stage, but they did not know that success is just around the corner, waiting for them if they did not give up. Just like playing pool, you will never know who will win at the end, opportunity will arise to those who did not give up, and those who stick up to challenges will win. 

As a closing, I would like to share one of the guidelines for confidence from a self-improvement book I read, and it says: 

Don't Strive for Perfection, Aim for Excellence

#6 Feels good

Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

I don't know why, but I'm feeling good these days. Is it because of my FYP? I finally has some grasp on my topic, have a rough idea on my final output. Besides, my supervisor also din't give me a lot pressures, probably because she knows there isn't much time left and did not expect me to do perform a very high standard project outcome. This actually motivates me to continue doing the work, because it gives me a kind of freedom to perform on my standard.

However, I'm very clear that I should continue the effort each and everyday, remind myself that it wasn't ME who I will be disappoint when I failed, but rather those who believe in me and put their faith in me.

My father, who always brag about me getting scholarships and studying masters in engineering at Nottingham. Every time when I leave my home to go back uni, he will tell me to study hard. I know university results doesn't get improved by just study hard, but it is clear to my heart that he said it because there is no other advice he could give me, as he did not go through the road I'm taking right now.

My mother, who worries a lot, which I think sometimes too much. I'm not a person which communicate very well with parents, so I talk real less when I'm at home, and I think it causes my mom some worries about me. BUT, I frequently put up my "confidence" look at my home, so that they can feel that I will be okay, and they should not be worried about me.

My sisters, who I talked more compared to my parents, who sometimes ask for advice at career aspects and working life. Thanks for their faith and believe in me, which sometimes challenges my thoughts, and provide me some new insight on life.

My friends, who keep me as their friend, who share their worries, insight, suggestions, jokes, teasing, hanging out together, all the activities which we enjoyed together.

There's not much time left in living as a university student, and I feel that its getting better as days goes by.

And I'm feeling Good.

#5 Random post

Lately, it has come to my attention that I had obtained a strange behavior compared to previous me. 

I can't talk smooth anymore. 

Previous days, I can bullshit my way out of a lot of things, my theories, heck, I can even give a presentation without much of "information" available to me without panic. 

Now, sometimes I have an idea in my head, I know what I want to say, but the words get stuck in my mouth. When it does come out, it looks like I have stutter, sometimes I also speaking and out of breath at the same time. 

I don't know why I've become like this, is this about confidence? Or is this about practices? This is definitely not about language because I've been speaking Mandarin for my whole life yet it still happens. 

My hypothesis is that this behavior happened due to the above 2 aspects, confidence and practices. Since this academic year starts, I knew it won't be the same as previous years already. 

First, I got a single room. I've been share room with my friend Tony for 3 years since Year 1. From all the years I've share room with him, I've been enjoying his accompany as my best friend and also my learning partner. 

Second, many of my "crazy" friends had graduated. This means that there will be less interaction for me to have fun and be crazy with. 

Third, my ex-gf is coming back from UK exchange. I will be facing her whole year long. 

Forth, its my final year, and also having final year projects which needs to done individually. 

So how does confidence and practices make sense with what I've written up there? 

For confidence part, some things reminded me that I had screw up a lot in my life, and now that my FYP is not really a successful one, it kinda stress me out, hence the rock bottom of my confidence. Funny thing, I used to like flirting/talking with girls, now I just not that interest into it. Maybe its because I've told myself that I don't want to focus on relationship stuff and just go through my final year peacefully. 

For practices, since I've been having less interactions with friends, I get less practices on my bullshit talks. I don't have my bullshit friend already, nobody wants to accept my bullshit, damn its boring. Now I just usually sit at my own room waiting time to pass by, or just doing some meaningless short-term activities which brings "happiness" such as watching drama, playing tetris, etc. 

Now with just 2 months left in my studies, so far my final year has been quite suck. Hopefully the remaining time will change. 

BTW, I've now know what happened when I'm drunk. I've been drunk twice this year, LOL. When I'm drunk, my conscious level seems to wear out. From a usual quiet guy but saying a lot of things in head into ACTUALLY saying what's in my head out loud. Its like the filter in my head is dysfunctional. On the bright side, I can still control most of myself when I'm drunk, like how I react. One time we were playing card games, I actually said out how many points of the cards I'm holding... =.= Not sure does anyone notice it or not. 

#4 Pen is mightier than the sword

Pen is mightier than the sword,
meaning words sometimes can be hurtful than a real weapon.

I agree to this statement.

The word here does not limit to the words you write or type, it also represents the communication in verbally. Sometimes we speak of some hurtful things unintentionally, I know that; and it doesn't make the listener feels any better, it feel sucks, although the listener knows it was spoken unintentionally.

However, the whole world doesn't exist to please us, not every person will be seeing eye to eye with us, know what we're thinking. If we care about other people's opinion and comments too much, we won't be progressing anywhere because frankly, there are just too many people like to spit negative things to us.
It's not easy to ignore what we've listen, but I guess it will be better with practices.

I'm covering my ears like a kid,
When your word means nothing I go "La la la"