#5 Random post

Lately, it has come to my attention that I had obtained a strange behavior compared to previous me. 

I can't talk smooth anymore. 

Previous days, I can bullshit my way out of a lot of things, my theories, heck, I can even give a presentation without much of "information" available to me without panic. 

Now, sometimes I have an idea in my head, I know what I want to say, but the words get stuck in my mouth. When it does come out, it looks like I have stutter, sometimes I also speaking and out of breath at the same time. 

I don't know why I've become like this, is this about confidence? Or is this about practices? This is definitely not about language because I've been speaking Mandarin for my whole life yet it still happens. 

My hypothesis is that this behavior happened due to the above 2 aspects, confidence and practices. Since this academic year starts, I knew it won't be the same as previous years already. 

First, I got a single room. I've been share room with my friend Tony for 3 years since Year 1. From all the years I've share room with him, I've been enjoying his accompany as my best friend and also my learning partner. 

Second, many of my "crazy" friends had graduated. This means that there will be less interaction for me to have fun and be crazy with. 

Third, my ex-gf is coming back from UK exchange. I will be facing her whole year long. 

Forth, its my final year, and also having final year projects which needs to done individually. 

So how does confidence and practices make sense with what I've written up there? 

For confidence part, some things reminded me that I had screw up a lot in my life, and now that my FYP is not really a successful one, it kinda stress me out, hence the rock bottom of my confidence. Funny thing, I used to like flirting/talking with girls, now I just not that interest into it. Maybe its because I've told myself that I don't want to focus on relationship stuff and just go through my final year peacefully. 

For practices, since I've been having less interactions with friends, I get less practices on my bullshit talks. I don't have my bullshit friend already, nobody wants to accept my bullshit, damn its boring. Now I just usually sit at my own room waiting time to pass by, or just doing some meaningless short-term activities which brings "happiness" such as watching drama, playing tetris, etc. 

Now with just 2 months left in my studies, so far my final year has been quite suck. Hopefully the remaining time will change. 

BTW, I've now know what happened when I'm drunk. I've been drunk twice this year, LOL. When I'm drunk, my conscious level seems to wear out. From a usual quiet guy but saying a lot of things in head into ACTUALLY saying what's in my head out loud. Its like the filter in my head is dysfunctional. On the bright side, I can still control most of myself when I'm drunk, like how I react. One time we were playing card games, I actually said out how many points of the cards I'm holding... =.= Not sure does anyone notice it or not.